This comes courtesy of Professor David McPherson (BYU)  given to him
by a colleague.


This is reported to be an actual letter sent to a Bank in the US. 

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I tried to pay
my plumber last month.  By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it.  I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place seven or eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank.  My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways.  You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.  No more will
our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank.  I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.  To this
end, please be advised about the following changes.

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank
has become.  From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and
blood person.  My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom
you must nominate.  You will be aware that it is an offense under the
Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.  Please find
attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen
employee to complete.  I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that
I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative.  Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and that the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digit but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.  As they
say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.  My
Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any
dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated
voice.  By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guide through an
extensive set of menus:
1.      To make an appointment to see me.

2.      To query a missing repayment.

3.      To make a general complaint or inquiry.

4.      To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there;  (Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call
is received)

5.      To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.  (Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is

6.      To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature.  (Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is

7.      To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

8.      To leave a message on my computer.

9.      To leave a message a password to access my computer is
required.  Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.

10.     To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 9.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.  While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration.  This month I've chosen a
refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie -- "Oh, the banks are made of
marble, With a guard at every door.  And the vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for."  After twenty minutes of that, our mutual
contact will probably know it all by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.  As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost, a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.  Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back.  First, there is the matter
of advertising material you send me.  This I will read for a fee of $20 per
page.  Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per
minute of my time spent in response.  Any debits to my account, as, for
example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be
passed back to you.  My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even
Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep
your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.  May I
wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client,   (*_*)Anne


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