The following were originally submitted to Craig Walker by Mary W. Ellis. Mr. Walker was kind enough to pass them on the me, and I in turn to you. Our thanks to Mary for forwarding them us in tthe first place.
Whacky Headlines
>> > The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads In
Newspapers:
>> > > ________________
>> > >
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
>> >
> ----------------------------------
>> > > FREE
PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
>>
> > ------------------------------
>> > > FREE
PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG
>> >
> ------------------------------
>> > > GERMAN SHEPHERD
85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
>> > >
-------------------------------------
>> > > FOUND: DIRTY WHITE
DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE..
>> > >
BETTER BE REWARD.
>> > >
-----------------------------------
>> > > 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB
-- $850/offer
>> > >
----------------------------
>> > > AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY
CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
>> > >
------------------------------
>> > > SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
>> > >
-------------------------------
>> > > 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING
GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
>> > >
------------------------------
>> > > TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN
BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5
AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION
$6800
>> > > ------------------------------
>>
> > COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
>>
> > -----------------------------------
>> > > FREE 1
CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
>> >
> ----------------------------------
>> > > FOR
SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
>> >
> -----------------------------------
>> > > NORDIC
TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE
>> > >
-------------------------------------
>> > > BILL'S SEPTIC
CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
>> > >
--------------------------------------
>> > > SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA
- FREE CHOPSTICKS
>> > >
--------------------------------------
>> > > HUMMELS - LARGEST
SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
>> > >
----------------------------------------
>> > > HARRISBURG POSTAL
EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
>> > >
-----------------------------------------
>> > > GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
>> > >
------------------------------------------
>> > > NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
>> > >
-------------------------------------------
>> > > TIRED OF
WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT-SHARING AND FLEXIBLE
HOURS STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
>> > >
---------------------------------------------
>> > > EXERCISE
EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
>> >
> ---------------------------------------------
>> > >
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
>>
> > -----------------------------------------------
>> >
> JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER,
$300.
>> > >
----------------------------------------------
>> > > LAWYER SAYS
CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
>> > >
---------------------------------------------
>> > >
>>
> > ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
>> >
> --------------------------------------------
>> >
> OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE &
DONUTS
>> > >
---------------------------------------
>> > > FOR SALE BY
OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent
condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married
last weekend. Wife knows everything.
>>
There now . . . that should give you some ideas for your next yard sale ad.