The following were originally submitted to Craig Walker by Mary W. Ellis.  Mr. Walker was kind enough to pass them on the me, and I in turn to you.  Our thanks to Mary for forwarding them us in tthe first place.

Whacky Headlines


>> > The Following Were Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:
>> > >  ________________
>> > > FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.  8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
>> > >  ----------------------------------
>> > > FREE PUPPIES:  1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -  1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
>> > >  ------------------------------
>> > > FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD  - PART STUPID DOG
>> > >  ------------------------------
>> > > GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
>> > >  -------------------------------------
>> > > FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.  LOOKS LIKE A RAT...  BEEN OUT AWHILE..
>> > > BETTER BE REWARD.
>> > >  -----------------------------------
>> > > 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
>> > >  ----------------------------
>> > > AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM  WASHED.
>> > >  ------------------------------
>> > > SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
>> > >  -------------------------------
>> > > 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
>> > >  ------------------------------
>> > > TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,  COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5
 AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
>> > >  ------------------------------
>> > > COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...  ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
>> > >  -----------------------------------
>> > > FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
>> > >  ----------------------------------
>> > > FOR SALE:  LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN)  - $50
>> > >  -----------------------------------
>> > > NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE
>> > >  -------------------------------------
>> > > BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING  "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
>> > >  --------------------------------------
>> > > SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
>> > >  --------------------------------------
>> > > HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER  "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
>> > >  ----------------------------------------
>> > > HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
>> > > -----------------------------------------
>> > > GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
>> > >  ------------------------------------------
>> > > NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
>> > >  -------------------------------------------
>> > > TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?  WE OFFER PROFIT-SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
>> > >  ---------------------------------------------
>> > > EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
>> > >  ---------------------------------------------
>> > > OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
>> > >  -----------------------------------------------
>> > > JOINING NUDIST COLONY!  MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER, $300.
>> > >  ----------------------------------------------
>> > > LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
>> > >  ---------------------------------------------
>> > >
>> > > ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
>> > >  --------------------------------------------
>> > >  OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
>> > >  ---------------------------------------
>> > >  FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes.  Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed.  Got married last weekend.   Wife knows everything.
>>

 There now . . . that should give you some ideas for your next yard sale ad.